Begining to Rest....

I have had a strange time this past summer that has not stopped yet. I am in a defining season of rest. I am struggling because I am tired of being sick and not really being able to truly rest. This may be a bit confusing for some of you but for me it is clear.

I am spiritually at rest in most areas and quickly becoming into a healthy place of giving up in general. I am sometimes struggling with my foundational truth of God being out for my good and those who love him. I have trust issues with humans but I can say until recently I have never doubted I could trust God. This was a firm deep foundation for me. So, back at the end of June I had an allergic reaction to an antibiotic. It was very strange reaction that I am still not completely over. I could have only hoped for hives : ) 

Our family has walked through one thing after another with me always holding deeply to my faith and trust in God, not man, but God. About a month ago we had a situation come up and I have been very vocal to my family and husband about what I felt God was speaking to me but decided to trust a mere man and submit as many Christian women have pointed out that they feel I lack the ability to do this and there for my husband was not becoming the leader God wants or needs him to be. 

I have struggled because I have such a deep walk with my Father God that I obey and not question. Like I said, I trust Him without question. So, I decided about 5 years ago to start walking in complete abandon to letting my husband lead even if that meant I or the kids get hurt. This had been easy and very hard at the same time. Some days I get it right and well some EPIC FAIL.

So, I was faced with I want to encourage and support each one of my family while being completely obedient to God. Not easy by any stretch of the imagination. You see I am intense, passionate, and very detailed and very deeply obedient to God. (by the way that does mean I struggle with obeying man)...which equals the struggle with what I thought submissions was.

God did use this time to say okay submit with full heart and know that if husband walks in light of listening to your conversation then it will be fine. If not then you will all 5 be taught a very hard lesson in trust and obedience.  Well, the later is what we are walking. The strange part, is as this has unfolded over the past month I have been deeply shaken, grieved, and learned that I did hear God right for my family, I did submit to my husband even when I passionately told him what I felt, I did submit to God when I was able to say that none of this is from my disobedience. It has been used for good but at a very deep painful price for many people.

I can say that none of us are perfect, all people hurt, sometimes even God allows the wound to bring a deep trust and healing in someone you love. But the price of that was a new found pain I never want anyone to know but then at the time I want each Christ follower to experience it in some way. I can very confidently say I understand for the first time what Jesus felt on the cross. I had never been able to comprehend that but I fully was allowed to feel a very small portion of it. This was used as a means to tech my husband what it meant to be one with me in my passion, deep trust of God, and love me for who God created me to be.

You see my family and most people I have ever met use the same words to describe me. I must say it hurts and is why I have not made very many close friends. But on the flip side I have never doubted my friendship and trust in Jesus and my Father God! That is in direct reflection of the words people use to describe me. I always wanted to change. I have even tried to over the years and had pastors, mentors encourage me that God is who really wanted these changes in me.

I can say today that God LOVES and CREATED me just the way I am:

• Intense
• passionate
• obeys God not Man
• Intimidating
• Overwhelming
• Speaks the heart even when wrong or hurt.

Always desire to bring everything to the light and have a husband who is stronger than me. I have never wanted to become less of who God created me to be for my husband to feel stronger. I always encouraged him to find out who God really created him to be. 

I am a typical human who deeply desire intimate relationships. I desire a wonderful marriage, I desire great friendships, but I can no longer go after these things while changing who God created me to be. I am Sonya and I will not change who God loves for anything less than God himself. I know how I desire to be loved, cared for, and even the area of ministry I desire to walk in for my God. I have decided that I am needed to rest in this. It is time for God to break off the world from me. I willingly went in directions and changed the essence of which God himself created to make people feel better about themselves. That is in direct contradiction of what God has created me to be.

I have learned during this time that sometime things have to be cut off to bear even great fruit. Pruning hurts and heals. It makes us feel the deepest hurts and new pain so you remain deeper in God. I have had my foundation shaken to the very core. I am stronger, more whole, and have more testimony by which to use to overcome the evil one when that time comes.  I may start to seem different to those who barely know me, I may seem to have gone backwards to those who think they know me, but to my Father who created me I am embracing my destiny and who He sees me as. I am even more confident in my total trust of God. I may not understand the way things that hurt at the core can actually be used for the good of those who love God. But I trust God will show us when we join him how it actually was good for us or someone else who loves God.

I am so pleased to say God has allowed my foundation to shake but it uncovered the unshakable Truth that I am God's and He is mine. I am a wife who is beginning to be embraced by her husband. I am a wife starting to see small glimpse of the real man God created my husband to be. I can only wait and rest until my husband can freely walk in who God made him to be. Then and only then will we be able to minister as The One Body in Christ as a couple God designed and built up in the word of life!

I am resting physically while God allows double ear infections and generally tired body for the last 6 months begin to heal. Knowing that somehow this is good for me or someone in my family because God's word is true always.

Listening for God,
SONYA