Begining to Rest....

I have had a strange time this past summer that has not stopped yet. I am in a defining season of rest. I am struggling because I am tired of being sick and not really being able to truly rest. This may be a bit confusing for some of you but for me it is clear.

I am spiritually at rest in most areas and quickly becoming into a healthy place of giving up in general. I am sometimes struggling with my foundational truth of God being out for my good and those who love him. I have trust issues with humans but I can say until recently I have never doubted I could trust God. This was a firm deep foundation for me. So, back at the end of June I had an allergic reaction to an antibiotic. It was very strange reaction that I am still not completely over. I could have only hoped for hives : ) 

Our family has walked through one thing after another with me always holding deeply to my faith and trust in God, not man, but God. About a month ago we had a situation come up and I have been very vocal to my family and husband about what I felt God was speaking to me but decided to trust a mere man and submit as many Christian women have pointed out that they feel I lack the ability to do this and there for my husband was not becoming the leader God wants or needs him to be. 

I have struggled because I have such a deep walk with my Father God that I obey and not question. Like I said, I trust Him without question. So, I decided about 5 years ago to start walking in complete abandon to letting my husband lead even if that meant I or the kids get hurt. This had been easy and very hard at the same time. Some days I get it right and well some EPIC FAIL.

So, I was faced with I want to encourage and support each one of my family while being completely obedient to God. Not easy by any stretch of the imagination. You see I am intense, passionate, and very detailed and very deeply obedient to God. (by the way that does mean I struggle with obeying man)...which equals the struggle with what I thought submissions was.

God did use this time to say okay submit with full heart and know that if husband walks in light of listening to your conversation then it will be fine. If not then you will all 5 be taught a very hard lesson in trust and obedience.  Well, the later is what we are walking. The strange part, is as this has unfolded over the past month I have been deeply shaken, grieved, and learned that I did hear God right for my family, I did submit to my husband even when I passionately told him what I felt, I did submit to God when I was able to say that none of this is from my disobedience. It has been used for good but at a very deep painful price for many people.

I can say that none of us are perfect, all people hurt, sometimes even God allows the wound to bring a deep trust and healing in someone you love. But the price of that was a new found pain I never want anyone to know but then at the time I want each Christ follower to experience it in some way. I can very confidently say I understand for the first time what Jesus felt on the cross. I had never been able to comprehend that but I fully was allowed to feel a very small portion of it. This was used as a means to tech my husband what it meant to be one with me in my passion, deep trust of God, and love me for who God created me to be.

You see my family and most people I have ever met use the same words to describe me. I must say it hurts and is why I have not made very many close friends. But on the flip side I have never doubted my friendship and trust in Jesus and my Father God! That is in direct reflection of the words people use to describe me. I always wanted to change. I have even tried to over the years and had pastors, mentors encourage me that God is who really wanted these changes in me.

I can say today that God LOVES and CREATED me just the way I am:

• Intense
• passionate
• obeys God not Man
• Intimidating
• Overwhelming
• Speaks the heart even when wrong or hurt.

Always desire to bring everything to the light and have a husband who is stronger than me. I have never wanted to become less of who God created me to be for my husband to feel stronger. I always encouraged him to find out who God really created him to be. 

I am a typical human who deeply desire intimate relationships. I desire a wonderful marriage, I desire great friendships, but I can no longer go after these things while changing who God created me to be. I am Sonya and I will not change who God loves for anything less than God himself. I know how I desire to be loved, cared for, and even the area of ministry I desire to walk in for my God. I have decided that I am needed to rest in this. It is time for God to break off the world from me. I willingly went in directions and changed the essence of which God himself created to make people feel better about themselves. That is in direct contradiction of what God has created me to be.

I have learned during this time that sometime things have to be cut off to bear even great fruit. Pruning hurts and heals. It makes us feel the deepest hurts and new pain so you remain deeper in God. I have had my foundation shaken to the very core. I am stronger, more whole, and have more testimony by which to use to overcome the evil one when that time comes.  I may start to seem different to those who barely know me, I may seem to have gone backwards to those who think they know me, but to my Father who created me I am embracing my destiny and who He sees me as. I am even more confident in my total trust of God. I may not understand the way things that hurt at the core can actually be used for the good of those who love God. But I trust God will show us when we join him how it actually was good for us or someone else who loves God.

I am so pleased to say God has allowed my foundation to shake but it uncovered the unshakable Truth that I am God's and He is mine. I am a wife who is beginning to be embraced by her husband. I am a wife starting to see small glimpse of the real man God created my husband to be. I can only wait and rest until my husband can freely walk in who God made him to be. Then and only then will we be able to minister as The One Body in Christ as a couple God designed and built up in the word of life!

I am resting physically while God allows double ear infections and generally tired body for the last 6 months begin to heal. Knowing that somehow this is good for me or someone in my family because God's word is true always.

Listening for God,
SONYA

God is Challenging my ways....

Okay, So, I have been challenged by God to reevaluate my FB friends who I accepted based on we go to the same church or they know a few of my friends or I went to High school with....I let them into my life but should I? Are they the people in real life I would spend my spare time with? Do I even know where they live? Could I call them if I needed?

We teach our kids that being Christ like, loving like, and serving like Christ is wonderful. It is what we are created to be. We also teach them that who you spend your spare time with is who you let speak into your life. What are they speaking? Do you like listening? Do they lead you to Christ and the Word of God? Do they build you and in turn you build them. Is the Kingdom growing because of this relationship? Are you changed for the better? Are you challenged for the better? What is the real fruit?

Right now I don't have a clear answer. Some in my family argue that I may be building while gaining nothing from those who look at my FB. But I say is this God's way for me. Should I have a separate one for those I choose to have a deeper friendship with? I have learned you cannot share all your struggles with just any one. It has to be a friend who is helping you sharpen in Christ and you them in Christ. Someone God chooses to build each of you during the friendship, fun times, low time and the all out war times. Someone who makes you better in the battle for Gods Life.

 Proverbs 27:17 You use steel to sharpen steel, and one friend sharpens another.

 But then I read in Matthew Chapter 5 about Salt and Light.... and loving your enemies... When reading the message version of this chapter I was hit square in the eye about what I have been teaching the kids. I want them to reach the world but not become the world. I truly believe there has to be a balance.

Our family is going through a fire, a war, a persecution of sorts, and we have been shaken to the very core of our foundation in Christ. I have found that God is my solid rock on which no matter what I cannot be torn from. He is who I run to in prayer for strength, comfort, and my creative identity. He loves, lifts, restores, repairs, forgives, and make us back into right standing in a moment! All we have to do is come to him and let him be who is and has been for all of eternity. Savior, Redeemer, Light, Love, Comfort, Friend, Counselor.


We found out who those people are who speak life from God into us and those who will not speak to you when a war rages at your door. The sad part is we consistently sought God and begged Him to bring all things to Light and His Love to bring forth His Glory in the end of all the junk.

God did just that at a very rapid speed. We have been shaken, in despair, completely heartbroken, grief like never before and can say God never left but always upheld us. We are a stronger individuals and a stronger family all because we look to God and not man for our identity.This is the truth of the current situation.

So, I am going to keep the FB just the way it is and remember to go to God FIRST, and PRAY keeping my eyes and heart focused on Heaven so that I may not fall into a sin trap set up by evil but be God's Light and Salt in spite of the world. I will leave you with this verse that God used to smack me back into the Light and out of hiding who God is to me and what he wants from my life. 

^{Matthew 5:48}"In a word, what I'm saying is, Grow up. You're kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you."

I adore and LOVE My Father God who is amazing to me all the time!
Sonya